Questions To Ponder

1. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? 2. Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water? 3. Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red? 4. Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one? 5. What do they pack styrofoam in? 6. Why did God give men nipples? 7. If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat? 8. Is grass really greener on the other side? 9. Do boxer shorts box? 10. Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra? 11. If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from? 12. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan? 13. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? 14. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? 15. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? 16. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? 17. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? 18. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? 19. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 20. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? 21. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 22. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose? 23. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens? 24. You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?" 25. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? 26. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment , but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? 27. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 28. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 29. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 30. What does Geranimo say when he jumps out of a plane? 31. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight? 32. Why is there a Permanent Press setting on an iron if it does not work? 33. Why is keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little buttons? 34. If pot grows naturally, and we outlaw pot (nature), are we outlawing God? 35. Does miniature golf enhance a drug trip? 36. When an elevator is illegally overloaded with passengers, who is criminally responsible? 37. Why do other people hear our voices different than we do? 38. Why is 40% called 80 proof? 39. How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? 40. Who really took a bite out of the Apple logo? 41. Why and how did your grandpa walk uphill both ways through 32 feet of snow butt naked to get to school?

. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

2. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

3. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.The lesson is, never try.

4. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

5. Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how!

6. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

7. Operator! Give me the number for 911!

8. Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge?

9. Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

10. Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now?

11. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

12. Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will!

13. Doh!

Ever want to ask someone a question that just can't be answered? Thats where the Weird Quotes come in. Many of them are questions, but there are also just plain sentence quotes here.

Insane quotes to remember

1. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. 2. To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." 3. If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. 4. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. 5. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. 6. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. 7. If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. 8. You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) 9. I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. 10. You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?! 11. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. 12. Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. 13. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. 14. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. 15. Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. 16. One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. 17. Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. 18. If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you. 19. If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY! 20. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" 21. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door. 22. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?! 23. When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. 24. If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. 25. If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. 26. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. 27. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. 28. I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. 29. If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. 30. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'' 31. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! 32. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. 33. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. 34. If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato. 35. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. 36. Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too! 37. I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around. 38. Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible! 39. Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? 40. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.'' 41. Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. 42. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. 43. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. 44. I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him. 45. Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. 46. If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. 47. I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. 48. There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. 49. When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. 50. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness. 51. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. 52. Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? 53. I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. 54. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. 55. After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?" 56. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." 57. I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something! 58. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. 59. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary! 60. The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. 61. I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy. 62. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? 63. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!" 64. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. 65. Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. 66. Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. 67. If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. 68. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. 69. One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you. 70. I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." 71. Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests. 72. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. 73. It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars. 74. I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex. 75. If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better? 76. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. 77. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. 78. The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. 79. It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. 80. Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. 81. The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it! 82. You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you. 83. Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. 84. When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. 85. Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming. 86. I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later." 87. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 88. If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it. 89. Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. 90. Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. 91. If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella." 92. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." 93. If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say. 94. If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. 95. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. 96. If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?" 97. Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.) 98. To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me. 99. A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep. 100. Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.

Ever want to ask someone a question that just can't be answered? Thats where the Weird Quotes come in. Many of them are questions, but there are also just plain sentence quotes here.

Wise Confusious Quotes

1. Woman who fly upside down have crack up. 2. Man trapped in pantry have butt in jam. 3. Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone. 4. Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard. 5. A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. 6. Find old man in dark, not hard! 7. Man who smoke pot choke on handle. 8. Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose. 9. Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache. 10. Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind. 11. Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk. 12. Don't drink and park, accidents cause people. 13. He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser. 14. Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out! 15. It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 16. Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed. 17. Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons. 18. Man who drive like hell bound to get there! 19. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants! 20. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot! 21. Man who sit on tack get point! 22. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted! 23. Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion! 24. War not determine who's right, war determines who's left. 25. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 26. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. 27. Man who jizz in cash register come into money. 28. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. 29. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. 30. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. 31. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. 32. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 33. Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck..

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

His sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Dummerana boxarocks

You're not supposed to follow directions. Can't sleep clowns will eat me! ...And Joe who's aspiration is to be an elevator operator. You have a Robin Hood complex. You can take her head out of the fridge and put it in the freezer. If its not mine, its someone elses. He said he's not here. The smell is compliments of Adam and Kerra. You're a communist. You've never heard of Pacman...No, you just never drew him. How do you chemically make a mess? Dirty man with lots of wives. We have the same last name...Do you know where the mop is? Are you in the mafia? My name is Yellow Petony. I like Hitler...You f**king Nazi! ...And away from Russia, damn communists. Put Roy on leash..."Sick him boy" There are times when the only compensation for being a women is the knowledge that we are the smarter sex. I'm gonna have the coolest golf cart ever. Chunk & Zippy Funk / Jiffy & Zippy Funk Independant individualism shall be outlwed. If I'm not here I'm leaving. Anarchy pancakes She didn't come with us...She got lost. Is it bad when you can feel how stupid you look? Supreme ruler of Antarctica (Osama bin Laden) Indirectly spit in your own eye. Nigger of Whiteness Zack is a redneck. Well, it's just a Matlak theory... Chris spontaneously grew teeth. I don't mean to start teaching or anything. My name is Edgar Bundy. Here is gone. I'm like a Reese's cup, there's no wrong way to eat me. I feel stupid. I wish I were like you, easily amused. Jumbo shrimp New and improved Only the people that were there will uderstand the humor in this so if you don't like it leave.

• Jonathan's nurse took him to Burger King yesterday as she has done many mornings.
  As she left the counter the girl from the drive up walked over and commented that she wouldn't bring anything like that out in public.
  Ya'll ,she was referring to my son.
  His nurse sat him down and walked up to the counter and told the girl that God placed Jonathan in this world for a reason just like she was he was placed here for a reason.
  I haven't addressed the situation yet.
  Melissa said her instinct was to jump the counter and punch the girl.
  I would have posted her bail!
• "mild Angelman Sydrome" - writen on neurology report by a doctor who insisted Becca had hydrocephelus
• "There's nothing wrong wth her, it's your lack of parenting skills" - said by a school psychologist who was mad at me for pulling Becca out of her school
• "She's no longer severely retarded - only mildly delayed" - said by a school offcial who also put it in his report, which caused us to lose aide we were getting (isn't it great that there's a cure for mental retardation!LOL )
• "You are no longer eligible for services because Becca isn't retarded enough" - said by our casewoker
• "You need to be more understanding of other people's perceptions" - stated by a police officer after an altercation between my husband and 5 drunks who accused him of child abuse when he pulled Becca away from a store display before she could knock it down on top of her
• "I've never heard of Angelman Syndrome, so I think we should run some tests to find out what's really wrong with her" - stated by doctor
• "Tie her to the bus seat"- CPS official who arrived at our house after a teacher complained that Becca was arriving at school in an unkempt manner (this was because the bus driver would give Becca bottles on the bus - so he wouldn't have to listen to her scream for the entire TWO HOUR bus ride - each way! So of course she would get milk all over - that's why Angel parents always send extra clothes to school - DUH!)
• Oh, it's just reflux, he'll grow out of it.
• Come back and see me in two weeks (while losing 40 grams a day weight and only at 4 lbs)
• Propulsid is perfectly safe, I think you're being a little paranoid
• If you take your child off the drugs, we'll have to call the Children's Aid
• He'll choke to death if he eats while on his back (It's the ONLY way he'd eat!)
• He'll grow out of it (angelman's)
• I've heard of someone with that being cured
• Oh, your son's handicapped? I'll have to charge you extra.
• "It's pronounced Angle-mans, I know because I am a doctor who teaches about this disease" (yes he said disease, luckily this was not Catie's doctor, but an aquaintance)
• "Angelman's is not really a condition, it is just a variation of Prader Willie." (said to me by my 13 yr olds psychiatrist.)
• "It's not angelman's, I deal with lots of Angelmans kids and I would recognize it right off if it was" (said by Catie's neurologist, when I asked if she could have this)
• "I was right it is Angelman's, I told you that's what it was" (Same neurologist after the test results came in)
• "Why do you want to adopt her with all her problems, she would be better off in a state home." (Again, same neurologist, right before I dropped him and found someone else. By the way, I am very willing to give this guys name out if you want to avoid him!)
• And my all time favorite... (Not really, this statement caused me to change pediatritions immediately) "There is no reason to evaluate her developement until after she is a year old, until then there is nothing anyone can do to help her anyway."
• First-- "your guys are saints". I could never do this! Said by so many people it blows my mind!!!
• Second-- she'll grow out of it!!From a psychologist,family,friends
• Third-- put her in an institution, she will forget all about you! Said by another psychologist!
• Fourth-- well, she's never been 8 before, she's never been 12 before she's never been 22 before. Said by her pediatrician everytime I have a question about some weird thing she is doing.
• Fifth-- Are you cousins? Said by a doctor who thought Jerry & myself had married and this is what happened to our kid because we were related! This still makes me laugh!
• Sixth-- Angelman Syndrome? Never heard of it! Said by many doctors and neurologists she has seen!
• She won't last the night out - Kirstie's pediatrician when she had meningitis just before she turned 2.
• The Director of Pediatric Opthomology: "Glasses?...I'd like to leave him alone....Why do you want to annoy him with glasses?....I see no reason why HE needs to see more than 15 feet in any one direction, for his needs." ARRRRRGH!
• The School's Psychologist: ..."How could he be picking up bad behavior from the classroom...his tests all show that he doesn't have any imitative skills." FIRECRACKERS SOUNDING
• The ER Nurse before blood tests revealed pancreatitis: ..."He is FOS (full of stool). Yes, I am sure...the xrays don't lie. I'm just going to give him an enema and then you can all go home." Talk about being full of something!
• There's nothing wrong with him he is just delayed...doctor
• He isn't delayed enough for early intervetion...therapist
• He walks and seems so smart it can't be angelman....case worker
• I have a friend whos son has AS;Samuel is nothing like him. Samuel walks and says mama so I don't think it's angelman...step-mother
• He look normal to me...physicians assistant
• I don't think he's microcephalic he is just small....doctor (this is after his head growth dropped from 25th percentile to below the 5th)
• All preemies are delayed...doctor
• there's no way he eats that much and is failure to thrive;you must be miscounting calories...doctor
• and the best one I've heard yet...Maybe there is some sin in yours and your husband's life that you need to take care of...preacher (No we don't attend that church anymore)
• We go to the doctors today so I am sure I will have more when we get back.
• She will never sit up or hold her head up ( she is sitting and holding her head) Same nuero as Susie's
• Written in his clinical notes, She is a happy attentive child exhibiting none of the characteristics of Angelman Syndrome.
• My favorite from a nurse in our ER, "Is this a seizure?!!" (stiff as a board and eyes turned up and unconscious, what do you think?)
• We, too, were told (not by preacher) that "Heidi is the way she is because of something you (meaning me) have done."
• The other one..."well, at least she is happy. Have you ever thought of putting her away?" I was unclear if they meant put to sleep like an old pet, put in a closet and brought out for her birthday, or put into an institution. I didn't ask for clarification.

1. "You just have to work with her more"... said to me by a chiropractor friend of the family who was meeting Kayla for the first time.
2. "She can't have Angelman Syndrome. She doesn't look like an AS child." ...said to me by a pediatric GI resident. (sorry, I thought this was Gastro-Intestinal Clinic...did I accidentally walk into the genetics clinic by mistake??)
3. "Well, she does have a mild astigmatism, but since she doesn't really NEED to see, I won't recommend glasses at this time." ... said to me by a pediatric ophthalmologist who was suggesting that since she wasn't learning to read or write, she didn't NEED to see clearly!

Kayla's teacher: "Beth, I think you should come get Kayla, I think she's having a seizure."

ME: Well, what is she doing?

TEACHER: Laying flat on the floor and face turning red.

ME: I think she's pooping, leave her alone for 5 minutes and then change her diaper.

TEACHER: Well, no, I don't think it's that.

ME: I'm on my way.

I got there, 5 minutes later, and could smell Kayla's diaper from out in the hallway. I took her over to the changing area, changed her, dressed her, and put her back in the circle. I said "told you so", waved and left.

• Another goodie: On being called to come retrieve Kayla again from school because she had diarrhea. Only one diarrhea, reportedly, so I didn't think she should miss school for one runny poo. Well, they sent her to the health tech, who then called me and I (who had no car that day) couldn't come get her. I asked my dad to go get her and bring her home. He goes to the health room and gets her and when he questions why they were sending her home over one loose bm, she replies "You know, Mr. West, diarrhea is contagious." My dad (medical examiner, forensic investigator, paramedic/paramedic teacher, and retired Associate Director of Testing and Certification at the State of Maryland's Institute for Emergency Medical Services at University of Maryland) said to this health tech "where do they find you people?" He was still ranting and raving about it when he got here, Kayla strapped into the front seat of his car laughing and clapping and having the time of her life on a car ride with grandaddy.
• I do understand that diarrhea can be the symptom of a contagious thing like stomach flus and rotovirus, but Kayla had no other symptoms and had eaten applesauce that morning (an unusual occurrence).
• Simon walks in the room with us for his first visit with a new neurologist. he beams at the doc and heads toward him. the doc says: "uh, please keep him away" in his reports about simon, he kept calling him "retarded young man." it was obvious to me that he despised retarded people. (and their parents)
• "She is too cute to have a genetically transmitted syndrome" (a pediatrician on why genetic testing did not need to be done) as if...
• Ok you guys, it's my turn. Although I do not have an angel my son, who is now 21, has mild cp. When I was trying to get him diagnosed, a doctor, who knew I was in college majoring in special education actually asked me" Do you think maybe you are making this up, because you are studying special education?" No lie
• Were are fairly new to this so thankfully, we haven't got much to add (yet). Callums Paed agreed to test for AS although she felt that he had more language than AS children. He didn't have any language at that time!?
• Pediatrician: After I had told him that something was wrong with Michael at his 3 mo., 6 mo and 9 mo checkups, and numerous frantic phone calls and he kept assuring me that everything was all right, kids just develop differently. At 10 months, I told him that I KNEW something was wrong and I was going to pursue it with or without his help. He then said "Well, I've never had a patient as delayed as Michael."
• A special ed teacher in our community school after she observed Michael in 1st grade upon my request to have Michael attend the community school instead of the district school: "All of MY children can read!" (I'm sure that she was thinking, why would we want Michael at HER school if he was so delayed.) My response: "That will be wonderful, you can teach Michael to read too."
• A state representative at a SEPAC meeting explaining how the new state education standards/tests will affect special education students: "The state's goal is to have EVERY student meet the learning requirements and pass the test by Grade 12." Clearly, this woman and the state didn't consider special ed students as part of the student population!
• Neurologist when Michael was 11 months old and after seeing him for 5 minutes and asking me questions, no tests were taken: "Michael has neurological damage that occurred in the womb when you were 5 months pregnant." Boy that was a guilt trip and probably explains why I have a general dislike of neurologists!
• My mother-in-law after I told her that Michael had AS which is caused by a deletion in the chromosome contributed by the mother: "Oh, I see, so the bad gene came from YOUR side of the family." As if, HER side of the family only had PERFECT genes to pass along.
• When Andrew went for his 6 week check up and only gained 6oz,(my mouth literally fell open) ! The Dr. did call me before that and asked how he was doing? Being my first baby, things were going well I thought. He was nursing; and I thought that there wasn't any problem. He slept 6hours the first night we brought himhome. He rarely cried. I thought I had the perfect baby1 The Dr. said to wake him up during the night to feed him. NOT! Otherwise, nothing else was mentioned for the whole year.
• When we went in for his 11month checkup, I voiced my concern that Andrew just started sitting up at 8months, did not like me bringing his hands together for patty cake,still not gaining well . He said " I don't want you to spend your money"."See you in 6months". That was the last we went to him!!
• When he was 3, I took him to the Ped. exhausted, crying and needed a break or some answers, he told me "Have you thought about putting him away?" That was not an option!! My only child? I don't think so!! Onto another ped.
• Earlier, when he first started having seizures, and he was in the hospital, a resident told me the reason he wasn't gaining was because he was too retarded to eat!!! He didn't at all look retarded; he just didn't do those psycological tests!
• Family too , including my husband, thought he would grow out of it.!!
• We tried tubes in the ears. I thought for sure that was it! I was so disappointed when that turned out to go nowhere!!
• One time we went to McDonald's.(he was around 3) and a women came up to me and asked if what he had was catching? She had never seen a child with a disability or ablack person for that matter!! Are we ignorant here?
• 1st Speech and Language Specialist for Nelly said, "She won't need augmentative communication. She will never communicate."
• When Anthony was 12 months old, the Ped we first saw, calmly said to us " I don't think he will have a long life ", I had to ring back the next day and ask him exactly what he meant by that statement, as we had not slept all night thinking he was going to die in his sleep. And to think we still had a month to wait, before Anthony could have any testing done in Sydney. Needless to say, the last time we saw him, was to hear the results of the tests, which were all normal I might add, so Anthony was labelled CP.
• "I ruled out Angle-Mans (yes, pronounced like right-angle, left-angle...) right away since there is no cure for it." from a Neurologist
• She's too Pretty to have angelman syndrome and after a fall where Jess smashed her head on the ground, her uncle said...."Maybe it will put things back in place"
• My wonderful mother-in-law (tongue in cheek) said yesterday, "Ashleigh probably doesn't have Angelman Syndrome, she's probably just ADHD." When I said that I think the geneticist knows what she's talking about, she replied "Well they don't have any proof so I don't think so." Like this woman with maybe a grade 10 education knows more than a geneticist who does have other AS patients. PLEASE. Needless to say Ashleigh and I won't be visiting Grandma in the near future.
• And that's to bad because Granddad (hubby's father) is so good with Ashleigh. Yesterday we were there eating lunch and Ashleigh kindly put a piece of pastry that she was sharing with Granddad in his glass of water, then stirred it with his fork. He just laughed along with my little miss giggles. My mother-in-law doesn't even like Ashleigh to "help" with the dishes (she plays with the bubbles). But, one good thing did come out of all this. My husband actually agrees that his mother has no clue how to deal with Ashleigh.
• LOL, I have heard both!! The one that really gets me is "she will grow out of it"...then I get this long story about someone's aunts uncle who didn't talk until they were 7!
• Ian's first neurologist: "Do you believe that your blindness could be connected to Ian's condition?"
• A brother-in-law: "Does Flipper (my dog) know that Ian is, you know, "different?"
• A co-worker whom I was telling about Ian taking steps and using his walker: "Did he walk on purpose?" I knew what they meant but it sure sounded funny.
• One of my sisters about 4 years ago: "We knew something was wrong, we just didn't know if you realized it"
• A store clerk: "It's funny how those bad genes just pop out of nowhere" This one takes the idiot award IMO.
• The first day in a new classroom, simon dropped a toy and the teacher told him to pick it up. simon looked up at her and gave her a sweet smile, and continued playing with the pieces he still had in his hand. her response? "WILLFUL!!" my heart sank.
• The same teacher walking thru the room, "supervising" the kids: simon was working on a puzzle with square and round pegs. i was helping him hand over hand.
• In a sing-song-y and very condescending tone: "simon, just put the *square* pegs into the *square* holes! and the *round* pegs into the *round* holes!" ugh. (i told her that he had already had 5 years of OT, and was not ready to function solely on a verbal prompt). she thought hand over hand help was spoiling him.
• A different winner of a teacher: i walked in and saw the aide making simon put pegs into a slit in the top of a coffee can WHILE HE WAS SITTING BELTED ON THE TOILET WITH HIS PANTS DOWN. when i objected she said: "that's the only time he will cooperate." i later found out that they only worked with simon when he was either on the toilet or belted to a chair. big mystery why he ran away whenever they let him go. NOT.
• Nelly was just beginning to walk on her own (4.4 years), she fell in the classroom, the aide said, "that will teach you to look where you are going" UGH!
• Here's one a former neurologist told my husband. rony was proudly telling (bragging) the doc about some of simon's new developments. simon was about 3 or 4.
• The neuro: "well, some of these kids will turn around in their teens and lose everything they've gained. he could be a vegetable."
• OK I have to chime in-- my favorite of all times is a doctor at Shriners Children Hosp. said that Sam moved like he has had a dozen Martinis.
• A cute one lately is ---a 6 year old at the ball park, kept scolding Sam and saying that he was just faking it and he needed to let go of his walker andjust walk like everyone else.
• Unknown man at a gathering: Oh, how awful. See, that's why I told my wife, no cocaine or marijuana for at least a month before we decide to have a baby. (Walking away quickly so as not to spoil the party by punching his face in!)
• Lady on the street: Oh how beautiful he is....is that his REAL hair?
• Numerous people: Funny, he doesn't LOOK retarded??
• Intern at Hospital: He's not going to grow very tall. Anglemen children are very short. (Oh, well he has ANGELman syndrome). Besides the fact that now at 13 yrs old, he is only one inch shorter than me.
• "How long are you planning on keeping her?" (asked by a well-meaning friend who thought I would put Frances in some home or state hospital as soon as a place became available)
• "She is too pretty to have Angelman's" (geneticist)
• "This is God's way of telling you that you are leading a sinful life"
• We were told by a geneticist that Justin would NEVER talk NEVER walk NEVER go to the bathroom on his own and that we would probably end up divorced because of him. But on the bright side you can put him in a group home!!! Needless to say she was fired by me LOL !
• You are suffering from new mother syndrome and are looking for problems in your son. Stop comparing him to others.Meanwhile Justin was vomiting in the doctors lap when he finally decided that projectile vomit 50 times a day MIGHT mean reflux.( Pediatrician) Needless to say he was fired also.
• Yet another Pediatrician I know nothing about Angelman and I am to old to learn!!!! Take him to someone who might be able to help you more I don't have the time to research something I have never heard of. We respected her decision and immediately left.
• Reports from the EEG lab while looking for seizures. Your son has an infection in the brain and needs to be taken to the ER immediately.
• WRONG WRONG WRONG This was a classic Angelman EEG. No infection but we did find out he had Angelman from that ER trip inadvertently.
• "It's a very rare condition." (Our geneticist's explanation of why, in his professional opinion, Hannah did not have Angelman Syndrome.)
• "Oh really? I didn't know that." (The same geneticist's response when I listed all of the symptoms that matched up and told him that AS was the only syndrome I'd read about where the microcephaly presented after birth.)
• "You know there are...therapies..." Super-helpful advice from a total stranger watching me help Hannah into the car. My response--"Really? And to think all this time we've been ignoring her potential and keeping her locked up in a dark closet!"
• Jenn sitting in her wheelchair in an examining room, chewing on a plastic toy and 16 years old.
  Ortho doctor: Hi Jenn!
  Jenn: Hi!!!!
  Doctor: Jenn will you get up and sit on the table?
  Jenn: HI!!!!!!
  Doctor: Please can you get up and sit on the table?
  Jenn: Hi!!!!!
  Doctor: Jenn, I really would like you to get up and sit on the table. (Hey, so would we)
  Jenn's mom: hmmmmm, notice anything here?
  Doctor: What is that Mrs. I? Is she always this stubborn????
  Mrs I: I think we need to see someone else.
• While I was going through a divorce, my mother-in law said "Now if he has a child with someone else this won't happen again right?"
• Here's one that was told to me about a child with downs: They doctor had received the results and was heading down to the mothers room (in the hospital) to tell her they were postive. She was in the hallway when he told her the results (didn't even have the brains to sit her down to break the news) and then said "Yes, the results were positive and she has down syndrome but don't worry she won't live long"

  Well Folks, I have to share this one with all of you on the list. Just when you think you have heard it all someone is going to come along with something to top them all.After 21 years of this and having 5 children we have been the recepients of some pretty strange remarks Such as ...Did you birth all five of them? ( NO! Some of them were hatched!) Did you want all five kids?( asked in front of the children...and a kid is a baby goat ).And to Jonathan...aren't you too big to be in a ..stroller?grocery cart?to be carried? etc. About Jonathan... " even a dog can learn something"..."He's just spoiled"..." If your faith was strong enough I am sure he would be healed"... " He does what? Why do you let him? If he was my child...." " Did you pray for patience while you were pregnant wth Jonathan?" MMM.MMM. MMM.

  Okay..Yesterday Jonathan and I went to get his haircut. Same place as always. Same stylist. Everyone in the place knows him and is used to us. We have the routine down to a science. Yesterday he was putting on a show for all of the girls. Laughing, pulling my hair, pulling me on to his lap, dancing to the music while sitting in the chair, pushing us out of the way to watch himself in the mirror and more! There was a new middle age lady working in the shop who kept a close eye on the activity. As we finished the marathon cut, she walked over and asked how old he was . Then she explained that she had a friend who was over social services at the Ala. State Hospital ( mental inst.). She asked if he was autistic?" "Oh .Then what is he?""What is that?" "AH.""Poor thing."Does that mean he is mental..." I cut her off and answered NO and again tried to explain a little about As and Jonathan. I had already told her he understood most of what people! said to him.Her reply was " He's not a mongoloid is he?" I nearly hit the floor! I explained nicely... No one used that term any more and if she meant Downs Syndrome ...No he was not .. that that was a different chromosome etc. " So that means he could live to a ripe old age?"" Bless your heart!" Jonathan and I both rolled our eyes and started to the door. I then heard her behind us talking about us and then she yelled to me .."He doesn't wear any shoes?" I acted as if I didn't hear her as I stopped in the front to put his shoes on before we walked outside.

  JONATHAN AND I HAD A GOOD LAUGH WHEN WE GOT TO THE CAR! jUST HAD TO SHARE THE STORY WITH PEOPLE WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND! THANKS YA'LL!

  A friend at church insists that there wasn't anything wrong with our daughter and that she'll eventually 'catch up' like her son who was a preemie and walked late, even after I calmly explained that the combination of not walking and talking was indication that something serious could be wrong.

  The same friend then said, "Oh, well doctors don't know what they're talking about half of the time" when I told her that both the geneticist and neurologist strongly suspect Angelman's. Then she added, "That's why we don't go to them much." Well, I guess so when you know everything already!

• One of my best friends from childhood, who by the way has two healthy children. (brats) "Well, don't get mad at me for saying this, but I think this is punishment from God because you knew better than to get pregnant before you were married." I thought this was kinda funny because she is a gossip... isn't that also wrong? Oh well, maybe that's why she was blessed with two ungrateful brats?
• "dont change your email again and as i said in my last last email, you deserve liam as you are a dispicable human bean" said by M. Louise Marchand in the newsgroup ott.general in response to a disagreement over her militant feminist views.
• O.K. in a search for a diagnosis for my son I have managed to come across two incredible well connected, well respected neurologists who had the following comments for me:
  
  • The first one after I explained that although I had always thought my son was autistic I was beginning to suspect that he had Angelman Syndrome and so I was looking for a doctor that could help me with figuring that out and she said to me, "Well Angleman Syndrome causes Autism you knew that didn't you." At which point I wanted to get off the phone and call all of those parents of autistic kids and let them know that they had found the cause of autism.
  • The second doctor I didn't speak to directly but he spoke to one of my son's other doctors who was trying to find a good neurologist for him and he came back in the room and said that the neurologist he spoke to was very familiar with the disorder and it is actually pronounced "Angle"man syndrome not "Angel"man syndrome did I know that. He was looking at me like I was an idiot. How do you respond to that?

• My daughter just recently started seeing an orthopedist and he also called it Angleman's syndrome! My answer to him was: "It's pronounced Angelman, with no "s", and I was personally acquainted with Mrs. Audrey Angelman, so I know that to be a fact". He simply smiled as though I were being a bit "touchy" about the subject! Not sure we're going back to him anytime soon!
• When we first realised that something was not right with Anthony (10 mths old), we were referred to a Pediatrition, after being told that we would have to wait a month before we could take Anthony to Sydney for tests, the idiot decided to make this comment: " Oh, I don't think he is going to have a long life! "

• I feel that I have always accepted Aaron having AS, but what I can't accept is the other people. I can't even remember ever even crying about his dx. What makes me cry is the way people are. We go to the Dr. office and sit in a waiting room and people move. What? Are they crazy? Is it contagious?

  The last ordeal topped the cake. I took Aaron and Erica to a new Dentist. We were called to go in and they have us sit in a room where a Lady is cleaning teeth. We were next to be seen. Then another lady and her two kids come in and sit down and then another Lady and child come in and sit. The Women cleaning teeth bypassed us and called on the other people first. Meanwhile we are sitting there for an hour and 45 minutes. She just kept tip toeing around us like we were not even there. Finally after everyone else was gone she says "come on Erica it's your turn" and I said no I would like Aaron to go first because he's getting very rambunctious. She looked at me like I was crazy. He can't get his teeth cleaned she says. I replied WHY NOT? She said "well he could die". Well I could go on and on, but she said something about kids like this need to get an antibiotic shot before having there teeth cleaned because they could die of heart complications. I still have no idea what she was talking about, but she did not want to clean his teeth. I started crying and yelled at her HE IS A HUMAN BEING AND HE NEEDS HIS TEETH CLEANED.

  He is perfectly healthy and is not going to die.

  She left for a few minutes and when she returned she said no one else has heard of this (AS) either, but the Dr. said it was ok to clean his teeth.

  Initially I was scared to go and do this, because I thought It might be difficult for someone to do this simply, because he can't do what they ask, but I had no idea it would be so crazy.

  This Dentist office was highly recommended to us by our Pedi, but it turned out the Dr. on staff was a young fill in with limited experience. When it was time to see the Dentist she saw Erica first and examined every single tooth and dictated to an assistant in there mumbo med terms. Then it was Aaron's turn and she stuck the mirror thing in his mouth he bites down on it and that was it she was finished and all she could say to the assistant He's 100% meaning his teeth are perfect with no problems. Sure! 100% He grinds his teeth 24 -7 and I can barely brush his teeth.

  What do you do drug them up first? I can understand this is a problem for Dentist ect.. But they didn't even tell what us we should do next time. They just left it at perfect teeth. His teeth are grinded almost to numbs!

• This morning at physical therapy the therapist (with Tiernan present) explains to my wife that since he hasn't met his goals (kicking, throwing etc) she was dumping him as a client. In her (paraphrased) words "since it looks like he'll need PT for the rest of his life anyways, why bother? He'll never really be able to the things most other kids can". Huh?! Isn't that WHY he is in therapy? Well, she is DEFINITELY his FORMER PT now.
• I worry alot about the influence of having a special brother on my two girls.
  The stupid part: (My mother said I am ruining their lives by forcing them to deal with him..........!)

This is funny stuff... note, don't get Matty and Matt confused, and Matty and Ali are one and the same. :)


"Why don't we ask them nicely to take the knife away from David's throat?"--Matty

"Can't we all just stop fighting and there be peace though the whole world?" (this was during a video game)--Travie

"COME ON YOU GUYS!" --mother "Does this mean i can't finish my dinner?"--Devon, Matty's little brother

"Isn't rolaid the stuff that grows your hair back?"--David "That's ROGAIN, Dave."--Matty

"What's so funny about my excessive Hi-(hiccups)-cupping?"--HiccupBoy

"Ali's[matty] gonna lose this game"--JD "Wanna make somethin' of it tough guy?"--Matty

"(after looking at a stupid video cover that says 'everything you want to know about sex')So what's it about?"--Travie

"(after listening to Mungojerrie sing 'argentine joints')What's a joint?"--Travie

"(after discussing about this one dog who loves Matty and get so excited she pees on her)And what's with Sugar's[the dog's name] pee-ness?"--Travie (you knew that)

"(the preist at church says Jesus is in each of us)Do I look more like Jesus with my glasses on or off?"--Matty

"(Travie's mom tells Travie and Matty they're having tacos for dinner--Mitzi[Trav's mom])Awesome! So what's for dinner?"--Matty

"(Jimmy keeps saying things backwards)What are you guys doing?"--Tom "Saying things bass ackwards"--John

"(the chimes strike twelve[in the school play] and the mysterious man should die, but he doesn't)Would someone please die?!"--Matty

"Ben needs a colorful vest for his part as Cinderella's father"--Drama teacher "I have one with pink teddy bears!"--Matty

"(after Dave called him mean names)You-you-you-Ladies' man!"--Devon

"Has anyone seen my pants? My shirt? My boxers?"--Jarred

"(after Matty spends two minutes saying the "sh" sound and starts to turn blue) SUGAR RAY!" --Travie

"(Travie's on the phone with Matty and says to her cat:)Why are you licking the couch?"-_Travie "I don't know--oh you're not talking to me. Never mind!"--Matty

"You asshole!"--Brian

"Everyone has an asshole so why don't you shut the hell up?"--Ian

"(Matty is in JD's house and he is picking on her)You better shut-up, cos I know where you live!"--Matty

“Doob, dooby, doo. Beware of the Penguin.” --The Penguin (Batman)

“We came here to shoot shit, er, crap.” -- Matty, trying to spit out a line from Guys & Dolls

“I can’t eat the underskins!” –Devon

“Can we kill Lauren again?” – Jack

“I hate people.” -- Steve

“We’re not suppose to go to Hell until we die. Something isn’t right here.” –Matty

“If you don’t shut the hell up I’m gonna kick your friggen head in.” – Matty, in a violent moment

“I wonder if they make Limp Bizkit barbies?” –Matty

“Whenever I look at you I think of that one song… “I wish I was little Bit Taller”…” –Matty

“Guilty or Innocent?” “Innocent! Throw him to the Skarkecons!” –(Transformers)

“Can I graduate?” –Third Eye Blind

[says he] “wrote “Quit Playing Games” [from BSB] while in jail.” –Mark McGrath

“Could I please speak with someone who doesn’t have their head up their ass?” –(She’s All That)

“I’m not fat! I’m just big-boned.” –of course, the famous Cartmen (South Park)

“Oh my God! You killed Kenny!” –(South Park)

“I feel ten inches tall!” –Stewart Little (from the video)

“Sonny says critics are cynical assholes.” –Julian from Big Daddy

“You can’t hurt my feelings because I hate all people.” –Steven

“(proudly)I hit Holly Roerick in the face with the door today.” –Matty

“Jack-ass!” –Devon

“…And if you don’t go to the Devil’s house, you live it in life.” –Matty

“Damn it all… have you seen those pink elephants?” –Matty “I’m not monoxinated, occifer.” (that’s not a typo, it’s a joke)

“Nightcrawler!” –Dave & Steve & probably Jon (not Pettit!)

“Now he really looks like a chipmunk.” –Matty's oppinion on Jon P’s hair when it wasn’t spiked up

*(Matty’s licking white ice cream off her finger)“Ahh! There’s white stuff on her finger!!!” –Steve W

*(Mark has been talking about snapping bra straps) “I know, that hurts!” –Zack

*”I have a nicer middle finger than you.” –Mickey

*”What if we shove you in an alley, beat you up and rape you?” –Josh S “Josh, stop dreaming out loud.” –Matty

*”I thought I’d just tell you. You looked confused.” –Matty

*”Please try not to confuse me.” –Matty

*”But I know more than anyone else.” –Mark “You did.” –Matty

*”It’s one of those things where you just lost control somewhere along the way. You don’t know where or how—but it’s gone.” –Deby (Matty’s mum)

*(Ashley has called Mark a bastard) “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” –Matty

*"Maybe if you weren't him [the dog] like a football...!" --Jeff

*"She's not a slut, she's horizontally accessible." --Nicole

*"He [Jeff] poked his prick [with a rake]!" --Matty


*“I’m not talking to your or your sister anymore.” –Henry “Why, just because my sister throws friends away like skittles?” –JD

*[After Henry got his knee operated on] “Does it hurt?” –some girl “Like HELL.” –Henry

*“Where? Fuckin’ Northville that has a population of—[unison] six?” –Henry & Matty

*“Devon’s gay? Are you sure? He doesn’t carry around a purse does he? I’ve had nightmares about that and I am NOT kidding.” –Matty, talking to Dave

*“You should watch out, Ali has the power of the spoon.” –JD (speaking of Matty)

*“If you cut off one of my balls I’m ripping yours off and using them as my own.” --Eric

*“You… are a dickhead.” --Matty

*“Stop, he might pursuade you to date him.” --Megan

*“What?! Matt stole the doughnuts?!” –Elizabeth

**(Eric leans on Nick and Nick crashes to the ground) “Kinda heavy, isn’t he?” –Matty

*You would trust Matt with a real sword?!” –Brandon

*(Matt pertends to cut off Eric’s… well, you know) “Do it and die, bitch.” –Eric

*“You would put my penis in jeopardy for that?” “Don’t worry.” –Bee “Don’t worry? If he harms it I still have to use that thing!” –Eric

*(to Eric) “You need to act stupid.” –Bee “That was a tight casting job.” –Matt

*(to Anthony) “Man, we should ship you off to India or something, we sure don’t need you here.” –Matty

*“Poor bastard.” –Eric

*(Matt gives the suck-it sign) "I'm not doing Elizabeth's job." --Naquana "I wish." --Matt

*"We're not picking on your songs. Really. We're making fun of your spelling. It's nothing to be ashamed of." --Matty
br> *"Pizza looks gross if you take the sauce off. It looks like brain." --Matty

*"What, you think that's funny, Freshman?" --Naquana

*"Doesn't he know I just wanna sit around like a dumb fuck?" --Anna

*"They don't act like a married couple. Just a bad sex relationship." --Megan

*”I read once that {insert religion} once used to not touch each other while having sex, but cut a whole in the blanket.” –Burky

*”WHAT THE FUCK’S GOING ON?!?!?!” –Matty

*”What have you been saying about me being corrupted?” –Pojo

*”Can you just say something for me? ‘I was wrong, Seth was right.’” –Seth

*”She had better not’ve been having sex with my brother, I’ll beat his ass.” –Matty

*”Elizabeth, I though you would be used to always being in the backseat.” –Naquana

*”No, I refer to everyone as Dipshit.” --Burky

*”What is this, a game of 20 questions? Leave her the fuck alone!” –Matty

*”Your father is my lover!” –Henry

*”Bah, blow me.” –Eric “I’ve had better offers.” –(someone) “I think everyone’s had better offers.” –Matt

*”I have to have ice tea instead of soda all this month. I’m suffering withdrawal.” –Naquana

*(Matt took the book she was reading away from Naquana) "Did you fail kidnergarten? Can't you share? I know you share things with Elizabeth, like, STDs, but really..." –Naquana

*"You always pick on me. Last play you picked on me when i should've went out with Matt, and this play you pick on me because i am going out with Matt." --Elizabeth "And when you break up, we'll pick on you because you did go out with Matt!" –Naquana

*”Why must she ruin our fun?” –Naquana “Because she’s my girlfriend.” –Matt

*”Won’t you sing that one more time for me?” –Josh “I will if you pull your pants up.” –Matty

*(to the tune of “Lucky”) “And they say he’s so spiffy in his red thong…” –Seth & Anna

*”If you sleep with him again you have to promise you’ll have sex with me too.” --Eric “And me!” –Seth

*”I vote you piss on Beckett’s car.” --Ali/Matty

*”What the fribble?!” –Pojo

*”Stop. This is where it ends.” –Ali/Matty

*”I saw that coming. Someone had to do something stupid and Tony isn’t here.” --Ali “And it wasn’t gonna be me ‘cause I’m cool.” --Eric

*Icky-Sticky-Licky-Mickies!” --Megan

*”Can I throw you in the snow?… And make out?” --Eric

*”I have the best privates in this whole room.” –Eric

*”I’m not doing anything! My hands are in my pockets!” –Eric

*”Have you ever though that maybe you make her uncomfortable?” –Bill “Yup.” –Eric

*”I would never make out with Eric!!!” –Joli “Anymore.” –Ali/Matty

*”YOU WERE ARGUING ABOUT SIXES!!!!” –Ali/Matty

*”That was almost funny. Keep working at it.” –Ali/Matty

*(scoldingly) ”POJO!!!!” –just about everyone at Scitamard
*”Do you have an apple again, Al?” –Brandon

*”Ali Appleseed!” –Anna

*”Oh my god, she’s going to her locker!” --Renée

*”Hockey is the greatest game in the world. You can fight and only get to minutes out.” --Eric

*”Well if I can’t make it in the goal, I can at least hurt somebody.” --Ali

*”I’m a... fucking brick... fucking wall.” --Eric

*”Why can’t I have abs like that? Instead I have this two-liter.” --Eric

*”I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re better now.” --Brad

*”Mom, Devon’s acting like he’s from the ghetto again.” --Ali

*”Am I wrong? Oh, that’s right, I’m never wrong.” --Ali

*"Pojo, c'mere, I need to smell your hair." --Ali

*"If you haven't guessed, he got laid." --Megan

*"You suck!" --Eric "I second that!" --Ali

*"There you go, fantasizing out loud again." --Ali

*"Do they i'm a frickin' whore or something?" --a girl i really do not like "That's a rhetorical question." --Ali

*"Don't hit me in the gonads now, I have to use them this weekend." --Eric "I... didn't need to know that." --Ali

*"You know that belongs to somebody?" --Brad "It did." --Ali

*"No, your other west!" --Ali

*"Would you dress up in a bikini and walk around for me for twenty bucks? No wait, are you clean-shaven?" --Eric

*“And you don’t hang around stupid people?” –Marie “Nope. Well, except for Brad.” --Ali

*“He’s been hanging around stupid people too long.” --Ali

*“Stop fingering the venison!” --Ali

*“You need to tell your mother to get a life.” --Beth

*”Matt… you fart everywhere.” --Ali

*”He fuckin’ spit in my eye!” --Ali

*”’Damn Yankees’? Maybe we should change the name.” --Matt “Yeah, the ‘Darn Yankees.’” --Seth

*”Psycho…” --Brad

*”Hey, I’m multi-talented, what can I say?” --Ali

*”I’m thuroughly confused.” --Ali

*”I think we should re-evaluate who the idiot is here.” --Edwena

*”She’s confused about being confused.” --Brad

*”The church is near but the ice is slippery. The bar is far but we will walk carefully.” --Brad

*”Uh, no one is touching my legs in such a way…” --Ali

*”Gotta give Ali a hug. I’m pimpin’.” --Dave S

*”I’ve only gotten my car up to 130.” --Dave S

*“I got too many girls…” --Dave S

*“What the fruit?!” –Ali

*“No wait, how ‘bout this for a team name: ‘Dave and His Bitches’?” –Amber

*“Aren’t you proud to be one of Dave’s bitches? I would be.” --Amber

*“Oh no, I’m everyone’s favorite freshman.” --Ali

*“You really shouldn’t play with other people’s balls.” --Ali

*“Hold up, Elroy.” --Ali

*“He’s playin’ with his bitches!” –Amber

*“You’re nothing but a slinky-puller!” --Ali

*“It wasn’t a slinky, it was a piece of coiled wire!” –Heather “Well no, now it isn’t because you killed it!” --Ali

*“You know what I hate? When you get too close to a gas burner and they flare up.” --Brad

*“What I do in the privacy of my own bedroom is none of your business.” –Ali “Whoa, I wouldn’t expect something like that to come out of you—I wouldn’t expect something like that to go in to you!” –Brad
*“First you’re after my man, now you’re after me…!” –Nikki

*“I didn’t think ‘charismatic’ was a word Dave would use. It’s more than five letters, he can’t know what it means.” --Ali

*”Well Eric was gonna come anyway, whether I invited him or not.” --Dave S

*”You’re not dumber than a box of rocks. Adam is a box of rocks, he got into Utica (Syracuse University). That makes you smarter than a box of rocks.” --Megan

*”Quick, get in before the light changes.” –Eric

*[unison] “You have to know Dave!” –Amber & Ali

*”She was all pissed off at me ‘cause I got Dave and she didn’t. [starts laughing hysterically].” –Nikki

*“I like Josh. That’s why I go out with him.” --Amber

*“Don’t hang your mouth open like that or I’ll put something it.” --Dave S

*”Should we follow him in there?” –Renée “No man, that’s the boys’ locker room!” –Ali

*“Can I pimp you out?” –Dave S

*“Where’s Dave?” –Mary M “When are you not looking for him?” --Ali

*”No man, it’s at a firehouse, there isn’t gonna be alcohol.” –Ali “Oh no, I’m coming, there is going to be alcohol.” –Megan

*“I got too many girls…” --Dave S

*“What the fruit?!” –Ali

*“No wait, how ‘bout this for a team name: ‘Dave and His Bitches’?” –Amber

*“Aren’t you proud to be one of Dave’s bitches? I would be.” --Amber

*“Oh no, I’m everyone’s favorite freshman.” --Ali

*“You really shouldn’t play with other people’s balls.” --Ali

*“But Ali’s special, she’s my fellow ho.” --Amber

*“You’re just a freshman!” --Josh “Yeah… well… You SUCK!” –Ali

*“Eric, what’re you doing?” --Lyn “You don’t wanna know…” –Ali

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Author: Albert Einstein

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Author: Albert Einstein

Outside consultants sought for test of gas chamber.
Author: Arizona Republic

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Author: Mayor Marion Barry

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president
Author: BILL CLINTON

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.
- Alan Minter, Boxer
Author: ALAN MINTER

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Author: Harlan Ellison

This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time.- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
Author: Anonymous

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
- Barbara Boxer, Senator
Author: BARBARA BOXER

To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge.
Author: Benjamin "Dizzy" Disraeli

To be ignorant of what happened before you were born is to be ever a child. For what is man's lifetime unless the memory of past events is woven with those of earlier times?
Author: Marcus Tullius Cicero

We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
- Arab News report
Author: ARAB NEWS

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. It is stupidity rather than courage to refuse to recognize danger when it is close upon you.
Author: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. President
Author: BILL CLINTON

You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.
Author: General Charles De Gaulle

I KNOW , I KNOW, BUT YA KNOW , YA NEVER KNOW
 
IF IT'S THE TRUTH IT'S FUNNY
 
THE CLOSER YOU GET THE NEARER YOU ARE
 
WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR OURSELVES
 
DON'T PELORIAN
 
FOR THE TIME BEING, ALWAYS
 
SO FAR SO WHAT
 
THE TREE OF LIFE IS FULL OF LIMBS
 
STUPIDITY IS IN THE   i   OF THE BEHOLDER
 
Remember, don't forget......no it's ...Don't forget, remember....Or is it Remember, don't forget...Hmmm? I forgot.
 
NOT STUPID, OTHER WISE

Does a dog have Stupid nature?

The Stupidity that can be spoken is dumb.

If you meet St. Stupid in the road, break the mirror.

How Time Flies When You're The Janitor.